Diana Darby ** "I V" ** Intravenous

Second Chance

I am eating ice cream.
Lick after glorious lick,
sucking down the cool
on a winter day.
Friday I thought I might be dying.
A letter arrived asking me to return for more tests.
Now I know I am fine.
But for two days I thought about the road I might have to go down.
For two days, I read online about other’s struggle with Cancer.
I imagined myself in hospital rooms
and how I would feel when they told me the news.
I imagined the needle in my breast,
and the incision,
and the scar.
I imagined the mirror
no longer my friend,
but rather something to be avoided.
I imagined hair loss,
and constant fear,
and trying to find the bravest part of myself,
even when I was the most afraid.
My mind turned into a cesspool
of rationale for why I had given myself this disease.
I was the one who hadn’t put myself first.
I was the one who accepted the intolerable.
I was the one who took myself for granted.
I’ve been sick for the last six weeks.
Perhaps my immune system is compromised.
And yes, I have been under stress,
with my mother’s illnesses,
and the dog dying,
and three car accidents,
and my father’s decline,
and my sister’s accounting,
and the housing market.
Yes,
it was all so clear,
I had done this to myself.
Every article I read said stress causes Cancer.
My mind was racing faster than a BMW on the 405 freeway.
Now, I would have to change everything.
I would have to become that wish I had never been.
I would have to put myself first
and forget about the worry others had caused me.
It wouldn’t matter anymore
who did what to whom,
or how much was left
or why.
It didn’t matter how old I was or what I had or what I’d done.
All that mattered was
what I would do if
I only had six months.
The answer was always the same -
Write.
And record.
And put out music.
And make films.
What had I been waiting for?
How many more days did I think God was going to give me?
I told God I wanted a second chance
and that I regretted wasting so much of my life on
boyfriends,
stress over drivers,
warped floors,
grades,
realtors,
money,
worry,
and
the thousand other pointless mental mazes I let myself wander in to.
I decided that if God would give me a second chance I would change.
I would be
happy.