Diana Darby ** "I V" ** Intravenous

Feeling My Way Across Madness


It isn’t about what’s normal.
Or what isn’t normal.
It’s only about what I need.
And what I need is
time alone.
I’ve always been that way –
escaping into my internal world
while the rest of humanity escapes
outward.
My world is soft.
A world of pen and paper,
butterflies and flowers.
A world of observation
that I could disappear into
like a drop of water soaking into linen.
A gentle mist of rain
falling on to rose petals
in the garden.
It is my world.
My safe world,
that no one can enter into.
It has always been so.
When I abandon my world,
I am like a blind girl attempting to cross
a busy downtown intersection,
feeling my way across madness.
Each step,
unsure,
desperately
grabbing
onto the wrong people
and things,
unable to know which way I am going.
When I make it across,
if I make it across,
I do not know where I am anymore
and I am unable to get back
to where I started.
I can not recognize any of the signposts.
The sounds of the street
are like war bombs
going off in my ears
The voices are muffled and frightening,
and the hands reaching for me,
pulling at me,
are rough and insensitive.
I feel helpless to stop it.
I want to scream,
but no sound comes out of my mouth.
I want to run
but my legs are paralyzed.
It is as if I am being eaten alive
and there is nothing I can do about it.