Diana Darby ** "I V" ** Intravenous

Rationing Diana

Last night
I gave up,
as my head was about to explode
with thoughts of you.
Last night
I finally learned it is impossible
to make anyone do anything.
Any breath uttered in another’s direction,
any word spoken,
sighed,
whispered,
smiled,
or wanted,
is nothing more than a pinprick in my skin,
where energy,
like oil,
will seep out,
run down my legs,
pool below me
and be swallowed up by the ground.

I thought I could make you love me.
Make you want me.
Make you want to want me.
But I was wrong.
The funny thing is,
I have been given that exact same lesson
for over twenty years
but never understood it until now.
I sat on front porches
of ex-boyfriends
and fed cheeseburgers to dogs,
and cried
over white BMW’s,
and root canals,
and late bills,
and taxes,
and tickets,
that weren’t even mine,
all the while
ignoring me.
I was so lost
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I didn't know what my problems were
because I was so busy with everyone elses.
But now I do.
So go.
All of you.
Fucking go,
and take your cheeseburgers
with you.