Diana Darby ** "I V" ** Intravenous

Daddy Sweet Daddy

I do not know when he became
the drug addict that he is,
lying in bed with his white tennis shoes still on,
breathing in smoke
and listening to the air conditioner hum.
He wanders down halls now
sometimes singing,
sometimes screaming.
His deep voice
always telling me
“I’m a thief and a control freak.”
I do not know who he is anymore
or what he is.
All I know
is he is not my father.
I wonder how different my life
would have been
If we had gotten him off the Valium
thirty years ago.
Would I be attracted to different men?
Would I be able to sleep at night
and turn off the tape recorder of fear.
He scares me.
He’s always scared me.
He is why I had nightmares
and felt my stomach flip every time
a man left me.
He is why I disappear
at the sight of a cock.
He hurt me.
He might as well have held my hand to the stove
and burned me
till there was nothing left.