Diana Darby ** "I V" ** Intravenous

Loneliness So Deep


I am in a loneliness so deep
even the blue of the sky
cannot cheer me.
It is like that now.
The whitefish sandwich dredged in cornmeal
and hot sauce.
The smell of new books in vendors’ hands.
The rush of people,
the thinkers of the South
on their way to lecture.
All of it feels empty this Saturday.
I stroll the halls of the library,
climb marble stairs one by one,
soothe my hunger in chocolate
and coffee
and Dickinson.
Nothing helps.
I feel upside down
and alone
removed from him,
removed from his smile.
I am hooked like a heroin
addict
unable to think of anything else,
unable to quiet my mind.
When did it happen?
When did I become so lost?
I am scared
of who I see looking back at me in the mirror?
Where did I go?
I must step back and watch myself.
See what I do
to comfort myself.
What I reach for.
It is only by going through
that I will get to the other side
I know that.
I know that.
And yet,
I do not want to go.
I want to stay.
I want to stay in my cocoon
forever.